Friday, August 28, 2009

Women in Midlife - How to Get the Love You Think You Want, or Anything Else - the Spiritual Answer

It's so easy to think that love has to come from somewhere outside ourselves.

In midlife, I finally discovered that I have to BE the person that I think I want to attract

To find out if this is an issue for you. See if you relate to what one woman over 40 once said:
"At 46 I've got three kids and four grandchildren. I also have three ex-husbands. Looking back, I realize I wasn't in love with any of these men. After my third divorce, many self-help books and some therapy, I now live by the motto, To thine own self be true. When I meet a new man, I review my list of qualities I'd like in a mate: Is he honest? Does he have a good relationship with his mother? Is he spiritual? Loyal? A good provider? I'm not interested in looks or money, but in where he's coming from. I don't have time to waste, and I don't want to grow old alone. What can I do to attract the love I desire and deserve?"


It is possible that, like many other women in midlife, you are putting too much energy into not being alone. I suspect that the woman speaking above went into three relationships running from what she did not want, rather than claiming and creating what she desired. In the process, because she was focused on her fears, she proved them right. Whether you tell yourself, I'll never experience love, or wonder. Will I ever experience love? your words may lock you in to the very thing you desperately want to avoid. It's so important to move from fear to faith - starting with what you tell yourself.

I know a lot of people tell you that it's important to create a list of the characteristics you want in a partner. I disagree.


Yes, you should have expectations. But rather than an ink-and-paper list, create a vision that keeps you clear about what you want to experience in a relationship and what you are willing to give. Even though you may have a picture of the attributes you desire in a mate, when you meet a new man, these do not become the topic of dinner conversation. Never measure a man based on what he says. Open your heart, and observe your inner responses to him and his outer responses to you. When something is right for you, your heart will let you know.

If, your belief system is filled with fear, doubt and specifications, no man will measure up. Expectations always equal results and our expectations are often hidden.


The bigger challenge comes when you expect to find love in a relationship. Relationships are not the breeding ground of love. They are experiences that allow us to share the love we have within. Loving yourself is always the key to experiencing love with another person. What will attract a partner - for all aspects of our lives - is the level and quality of love you exude to the world.


Love is a state of being. It's not a reward for being good or selfless or for becoming spiritually adept. Love is who and what you are, whether or not you have a mate.

Put your search on hold and take some time to grow into the experience of your own love. Ilyana Van zant once gave this advice about self- love. "It may be time for you to give yourself all the things you are looking for in a relationship: Spend time with you. Have long, endearing conversations with yourself. Send yourself cards and love letters. Get dressed in your finest, compliment yourself, and take yourself for a night on the town. Affirm and encourage yourself daily. As you begin to love, cherish and adore yourself, the universe will multiply your energy. In that process, men who love themselves will be attracted to your loving energy. In the meantime, I will hold you in the light of love. Be blessed!"


I'd like to urge you all to consider that whatever it is you think you want -- What you REALLY want are QUALITIES OF BEING - I refer to them as GOD qualities. We think we want something outside ourselves, when really we are longing to experience the qualities we actually already possess, whether its a mate, a new job or more financial security. We already possess : Abundance, Balance, Beauty, Freedom, Joy, Love, Order, Peace, Power, Unity, Wholeness and Wisdom.

And so, I would like to offer a support system for getting and keeping clear in your life an of focusing on the Qualities you already possess. When you subscribe to my free Women Reinvent Midlife newsletter, you'll receive a special report called, "7 Secrets for Reinventing Midlife from the Inside-Out" and lots of other wonderful support. You can get your copy right now at

From Dr. Toni LaMotta, Midlife Reinvention Specialist and Spiritual Life Clarity Coach

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